i have always wanted to kill myself, to varying degrees.
this has just been a common theme throughout my life, like an itch in the back of my head that i want to scratch but know it’s “bad.”
when i was a kid i asked my dad why people killed themselves. i don’t remember what he said.
i have never more seriously contemplated suicide than now.
i honestly, genuinely want to kill myself.
luckily i am too much of a coward to go through with it.
my life has been, by all objective accounts, a failure. i have jack shit to show for my efforts. i have no career, no skills, no prospects, i’ve managed to alienate most of my friends IRL, i sit at home alone on the computer all day because of massive social anxiety and a fear of human interaction and risk.
going through the revolving door or hospital/jail over and over again during a period of 10 years broke down my confidence in myself, any hope i had for the future, or whatever. every time i made an attempt to finish my education or better myself it blew up in my face and i ended up locked up again.
every relationship i have attempted has ended in failure.
people say you need to fail before you can succeed. that statement is clearly a platitude and total fucking bullshit, because for one thing, you can fail until you die, and then just die. or you can just succeed right off the bat. platitudes don’t help.
my life is a joke. now instead of facing life and engaging, i am just decaying, wasting away, into nothing. i am paralyzed by fear of more failure. this obviously encourages more failure.
i’m caught in a feedback loop of failure and it feels like the only way out is suicide.
i haven’t had a manic episode in 4 years and i’ve never been more miserable.
feelings don’t matter because the only feeling i have is despair.