the disorder is winning. not sure what recovery or freedom looks like. i don’t have much left to give. I’ve learned from 25 years of trying that I am not good enough for a romantic relationship and that i am not worthy of that type of love. being brought up to desire that and have hope that it is possible is the worst part. There is no fucking hope, I am fated to be alone. Wanting it more makes achieving it even more impossible.
i don’t even know if I’m feeling depressed or despairing, it’s more of a philosophical resignation to an inevitability. telling me to work on myself, get sober, get a job, get a place, get friends, get hobbies, learn about myself through therapy – yes I’ve done that and it’s fucking patronizing, it didn’t fucking work because i am not good enough, i tried it, I failed. that’s just how it is.
the one thing i want more than anything else in life is out of reach. well that’s fine, if this is how the game is set up, these are the rules, and this is the result, then the only real control I have at this point is to choose not to play, and so for that reason I’m done.